May 5, 2008
Mome slept pretty good. Phil helped. He watched the numbers while I lay on the couch. He held my mom’s hand while I tried to rest. But, there is no real rest. Just waiting. Waiting for whatever is going to happen next. I hope desperately for something good but I try to prepare for something bad.
This morning Phil watched my mom while I took a bath. I used to love baths. They used to make me feel refreshed and energized. However, not lately. I cannot find anything to make me “energized”.
For a few minutes Mome seemed better. She has constantly stared at the ceiling since she has been home. Today when my daughter Amy brought her little 18 month old, Jack, over to see her, my mom turned her head and her eyes looked at Jack and she said, “Hi Jack.” Jack wanted to climb in her bed. He brought some life back to my mom, for just a minute.
She ate very little, had a little coffee (through a turkey baster, since she cannot seem to sip drinks or even suck through a straw) and took her daily medicines. She said yes and no appropriately when I asked her questions. I asked if she was in pain and she told me yes. I gave her pain medicine, which seems to take her not only away from her pain, but from me, too. She is sleeping now.
I am home alone with my best friend. All I can do is sit and watch my mom as she sleeps. I want to talk to her about so many things. Sometimes I try, but she does not open her eyes, she only sleeps. I go back to watching. I play my favorite songs for a minute, but they seem so incredibly sad to me, so I turn them off. All I can hear now is the sound of her breath. It seems to slow and I hold my breath, then she breathes again, and I am OK. I then hear the sound of the concentrator that makes her oxygen. It is the real sound of her breathing, a machine that pumps, pushes air, rests and then starts again.
Does everyone think I am strong? I am not. I am sinking deep. My mind is not able to function like before. Why do I feel like I am the glue holding her together? Or rather, they think I am the glue that holds her together?
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