My Heart Aches - Thinking

9:14 P.M. May 8, 2008

Everyone is gone – it is only me and Mome. Me and my buddy – my best friend. Her O2 is good – 88 on 2 liters. HR is 115. She has been sleeping most of the afternoon until now. I hope she continues to sleep for awhile – she looks peaceful.
I called Philip. I told him to rest – O2 is good --- I will check back in with him later.

Michael came over to hug her goodnight and to tell her he loves her. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. He will never stop believing that God is healing her. If I try to talk to him about what might happen, he gets angry with me.

Michael told me last night he misses me. We are out of our routine. Katie spends a lot of time with her boyfriend, Phil works at night, so Michael and I have evenings at home together. Then end the evening with MASH. We both like watching it before it is time to pray and go to sleep. Sometimes we talk for a little bit. Michael likes asking what it was like for me growing up.

At night, I think a lot about her. I wonder what she might be thinking. I wonder if she is mad and that I should have done something different. I think I have done what she has wanted, but who was to know how all this sickness would unfold. Two months ago, I would have never guessed.

I am lonely for Mome. I want her to talk to me. I want her to tell me to do something for her. I want her to say to stay for a little while longer like she used to do when it was time for me to go home for the night. But, for tonight, she is only two feet away from me, sleeping, and hopefully dreaming of something better.

My head hurts from no sleep, I think. My arms are twitching like Mome’s. Stress I am thinking. Sometimes I pretend that it is a normal night, and she is just resting like usual. Then I quickly remember that she is “actively dying.”

Danny says she isn’t afraid to die, that she is a strong Christian like Billy Graham. I know that is absolutely true. But, I know she doesn’t want to leave me or Amy or the kids. She knows I need her to breath. She knows Amy is the same way. We are the three amigos. If she goes, what will happen to me and Amy. She is worried about me and Amy. Amy means the world to her. She has said a million times that she can always count on Amy. She wants Amy to be happy. How can Amy be happy without Grandma… what about Michael, Philip, Rachel, Brandon, Katie, Jack … she knows that they are going to need her, too. And she needs us. How can she go somewhere without us? It is too hard, so she hangs on, against all the odds. She is so strong, for us.