May 9th, 2008
I stayed with Mome. Her oxygen went down 3 times. The lowest was in the 40’s. I started to pray that God take my mom in peace and let her know how much I love her. Then, it started to go back up to the 90’s. Of course I had to make the O2 go up to the highest level I could to give her air. Amy came over three times. Phil was with me and my mom all night.
My stomach is starting to hurt. I am so jittery.
What is she thinking? Is she thinking? Her eyes look like slits, with colorless eyes gazing out. What happened to her pretty blue eyes? Is she still in there? Has the CO2 already taken her mind? Or, are angels ministering to her? Are they talking her into leaving us?
It is painful to see her like this.
The nurse is back. She says Mome’s color looks good. It does. Her cheeks have color. Her heels are getting better with the little footie things Jimmy brought for her last night. Her skin feels warm. Yet, her body is swollen with water. It is heavy to touch.
The nurse says that we need to get liquid pain medicine. Patsy called Dr. Cook. Debbie and I drove out to pick up a prescription for liquid morphine and liquid ativan . It was not ready, we had to wait a half of an hour. I am wondering what to do if we get a call that Mome’s O2 is really low. I want to be with her. But I wait. Finally they say they are sorry it was ready when I got there. Time wasted, time I could have been with my mom. We went to Walgreen’s and the prescription was not right. They had to call the doctor’s office to get it straightened out. We waited another half of hour.
Debbie gave her the dose of morphine. I had a feeling this would be the last dose she would have. I feel like morphine was a drug of dying for my mom. A drug to let go. I don’t like giving her morphine. But, I don’t want to think she is hurting and I am not helping. I don’t want her to hurt.
She had a bowel movement. We moved her around and she made no sounds. The morphine was working or my mom had given up. Patsy’s fingerprints were pressed in Mome’s leg. The depressions stayed there for several minutes. She was heavy to move. What was going on inside Mome? Was anything going on? Pain, sadness, peace, victory?
I did not hear my mom speak any words today. No shaking yes or no.
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