May 9, 2008 Late Afternoon
Before long, it seemed that everyone was at Mome’s. What are we waiting for… I guess to die. Michael was waiting for her to get well. Patsy turned to number machine off. I wanted it on. Why, I am not sure.
Now she is breathing very slow. Her skin looked yellow to pale green. The morphine is going to let her die, I thought. I hate morphine. I don’t want her to die and leave me. I need her, she needs me.
I told her that we would go home and get well. Should I have made her wear the bi-pap machine? Did I give up on her because I am weak? Would the bi-pap even helped? Mome, you didn’t want to wear it. You said you would rather die than wear it. Did you mean that? What about the cancer, would it have come back and spread and be worse than this? What about Michael, he believes in your healing. Did I lose faith here? Will you pay the price and die because I lost faith in your healing? Jesus please keep her in your will, not mine. I am afraid. I am weak and don’t understand all things. If she is to get well, then please let her get well right now. If she is to go to heaven now, please, let it be, now. No more suffering, no more pain, no more thoughts about us, only thoughts for her and what you want for her. I trust only you Jesus.
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